Living Life on the Edge

2011-09-17T20:32:00.000+08:00

Apologies for the extremely long absence. I had originally planned to blog when everything was moving at a quieter pace by the end of the week, but little did i know, instead of jamming on the brakes, life decided to floor the accelerator and as far as i am aware, I am still sat on probably the first (and therefore craziest) roller coaster of my life, and as much as i want to jump off it right now, I don't see the ride ending anytime soon. In fact, I can still see a couple more high speed drops lined up, and I'm still climbing that slow hill before I can even think of reaching the end of the ride. Hah. So, I've been away due to lots of personal drama. Which got me thinking about a.lot. of things and therefore leads to me thinking about strength and loss mainly. Main question for today - what happens when you lose all the strength you think you had? How do you get the strength back, and how long will it take? What does it take for you to start believing that you can do almost anything again? And how is it possible that even when you feel that you've reached the absolute bottom, you realize things could still get a lot worse, or, that there is actually still something you can do to get out of it? It's all the things that I've been thinking about, and I don't know any of the answers yet. I realize I don't know anything except that I need to start building myself again before I can even think about being okay. Question is, where to start? C: (Sorry if this comes across as a rant or worse, wallowing. I'm actually just writing all my thoughts down as a reminder of what I need to focus on in case I lose sight of what I need to do for myself.)

Just some wise words.

2011-09-01T01:05:00.002+08:00

'Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home.' - Matsuo Basho

That is all for now. I will blog at the end of the week when I'm not out and about.

A Day of Thinking [bit of a long post]

2011-08-25T22:10:00.000+08:00

So I guess today started out as a pretty standard, run-of-the-mill type of day. Which ended up being not quite so standard. I'd slept early last night, to make up for the lost hours of staying awake for stupid reasons, and I'd hoped to sleep the morning away, but that was definitely not meant to be. Had to get up to go pick up my laptop as Dell were done servicing it (I'm definitely not complaining, it took two days and the laptop is basically new again.) and got home, and the afternoon went by pretty standard too. It was the evening that totally threw me off and again reconfirmed my resolve to expect the unexpected.

See, my mom does some volunteer work at a welfare home for kids. She teaches some of the kids who live there, those whose grades suffer because of a lack of interest or worse, a lack of patience from those who are meant to be educating them at school. Now, I'd gone along previously and helped out when I'm on my holiday breaks from school, and it was a total eye-opener. So, seeing as I hadn't been for awhile and I had nothing else to do, I went along with my mom today to see some of the kids she had taught previously, who had been asking for me, fearing that I had forgotten them (I felt really bad that I hadn't gone earlier.) Out of the 7 kids I had met and got to know, only two stayed at the welfare home. The others had either been chucked out for various disciplinary reasons, or had been taken home by their parents, for better or for worse. The two who had stayed were happy to see me, greeting me with a 'you haven't changed at all', which, coming from these children I hardly knew well, felt really affectionate. Well, I say children - they're both 13. The age of where every little thing could make them go wrong. But I was again surprised by their resolve to stay on the straight and narrow path, no matter how much they could see the piles of shit standing in their way. They had the stereotypical 'troubled child' personality issues, sure. But they are just such good kids, if you know what I mean. It amazes me that these two were totally aware of all the shit that they were born with, but were extremely determined to climb over it. I wish I could tell them how much faith I have in them. This little meeting sparked up lots of thoughts.

The next thing that made me think, was the routine they had to follow. Every night at 8.30, I was told they had to pray. They called me over and so I sat with them as they prayed. It wasn't typical praying however; it was Buddhist chanting. I recognized the 'hymns' that they sang, as they sat in front of an alter-like shrine of the Buddha. I remember being made to chant these hymns too at a young age. It was when they started the whole temple ritual thing, I started to feel pissed. They got up, and walked around the room whilst chanting, and kneeled and bowed to the statue. All the kids had to do it, the youngest being 5. And as I walked around the room with them, extremely bitter questions started rushing through my mind. I don't even know where to start. Watching them pray, I felt like my heart was breaking; the youngest were so earnest, not really knowing what they're praying for, yet there was just so much hope that something would help them, make things better. Did they really think that God would save them? One of the older ones yawned, looked at me and said 'I don't even know what's the point in praying.' I found myself pondering over this statement - what WAS the point? I get how it gives them hope, but, no deity or omnipotent being is going to seriously change their lives? If they could do something, surely something would've happened by now, that these kids would no longer have to pray, or they wouldn't even be in such a situation in the first place. I just found the ritual such a cruel statement about humanity. Those with nothing to lose, giving up hope on those who abandoned them, turn to prayer in hopes that a something beyond humanly powers will help them. But what if this 'beyond' has already abandoned us too? I think the biggest question that I don't know the answer to is, how are some people born into such troubles? Is it fate, or just bad luck? If God has a plan for everyone, why is his plan so cruel? I think it felt to me like these kids were getting their shit shoved in their faces, and I felt angry how there was no one that cared for them.

And lastly, as I left the welfare home, the headmistress totally just out of the blue faceread me and predicted my personality, which freaked the batshit out of me, but also got me thinking. (Also, it was TOTALLY freaky how she knew my handwriting was small - I've never met this woman in my life!) Now I'm left to ponder if her assumptions about me were spot on, and if I'm really that easy to read haha. But y'know, I'll ponder on that a bit more I think, with a little help from my friends. Later, y'all. C:

Back from Penang

2011-08-22T22:53:00.000+08:00

Whee. Driving on the highway is really fun, except when it rains heavily and when there are some lunatics on the road (well, being in Malaysia, there are bound to be many.) Ate lots and lots of Durian ~~to the point of being sick the next day~~ and laaavely Char Kuay Teow (omnomnom), and fresh seafood, and now I am home. Had Chicken rice today too for dinner, ~~and ate too fast to the point i had really bad indigestion.~~. My holiday is coming to an end very very soon, and so I'm reaching the point where I'm like 'okay, I really need to get a move on and do this and this and this and this...'

I am really sleepy. Shall commence with the laundry and then have my supper and then sleep C:

Wind lulls at the trees
Laundry hung to dry, cotton-
I breathe its fresh scent

Sho pretty. Seafood restaurant right next to the sea.

Doggy Burger.

insert any witty bromance caption here. or not. (Personally, I'm thinking man boobs.)

Can't Sleep..

2011-08-18T01:49:00.000+08:00

What do you do when you can't sleep? Personally, I think up poems in my head, make up songs and the lyrics to go with the music. The best part about doing this is, I always fall asleep after. The bad thing is, I always forget the ideas I come up with. So, before that happens, I thought I'd (quite literally) do something about it. So here we are.

Bold
You came to me in my dreams
Where waking sleep seems to do no favours.
Words crawl up walls, overflow from fountains
and I am left with muted pictures.
Melting into the warmth of a second,
a timeless frame, the broken glass
repairs itself, though I crash through
and soar, headfirst, towards you.
Fate grips my wrist, and throws me to the ground
as I lay awake on the cracked path.
My ears hear static, my heart pumps blood
as I watch you glide towards the unknown.
And all I am left with is a blazing scent,
My eyes left cold.

G'night, world.

Hm. Photos? C:

2011-08-16T16:20:00.000+08:00

Has been absolutely feasting on new music. Also, I finished Lolita and I absolutely adored the style, and thought it was a good book. So yay for reading. I really want to start on 'Survival in Auschwitz', but I think it'll make me depressed, sooooooooooooo I think I'll save that for later lol. I find myself in desperate need to clean my room. And I keep catching myself thinking too deeply about so many things - does anybody here besides me + Moco think aliens exist? Ah, the car also needs a wash today..

Dramadoh: OH MY GOD GET THAT CAMERA OUT OF MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!

It wants to play Chess too!

Towards Endgame.


Guin on It on Jun

How manly/serious...

~~One-sided~~ staring game?

Best. Picture. Ever. (because that is not Jun's hand hahahaha)

Time Flies Even When I Stay Still

2011-08-11T16:43:00.000+08:00

[uh, I'd consider it a mini-rant, or more personal musing out loud, so uh, if you're not interested in some 'deep' ideas, uh, skip ._.]

It's already Thursday. Regardless of what I'm doing, or what I am not, it seems time fools me; it gives me a distraction whilst it slips away, or an illusion that it's by my side, and the second I blink it's gone ._. I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels this way, though. The question is, why do I feel as such? Maybe it's because I feel there is so much to do. But what happens when you take the 'so much' and dissect it? I personally find that actually, there's not much worth doing. In fact, it seems that nothing seems worth doing at all. Everything seems so pointless, and that the only reason 'worth' exists is because it is the creation of people. I've been aware of this perspective, but found it extremely existentialist, if not a bit too deterministic..is it worrying that I've suddenly accepted it? I pride myself in my passion for life, to discover and embrace as much as possible before the chance is gone, to challenge myself, etc. But, suddenly I caught myself asking 'what's the point?' I don't quite understand how I feel about life now.. Maybe it's just today, since I consider myself an optimistic person, in that I see a point in everything, and that creating worth is good too, but uh, now I am doubting my own opinion *headdesk* All these questions because of a sudden feeling that I want to use my time to do 'useful' things, like travel, appreciate things even more. Maybe this feeling has come about because I haven't the means to do so yet. Hmm. I think I'll ignore my current self because it is starting to annoy me..

[uh, it's finished ._.]

Anyway, been spending time with friends this week. Jun + Moco came over on Tuesday, and yesterday we spent the day (with Ah Fi too for a short time) in 1U, mainly pooling/snookering, arcading, softballing. Since Jun's thoughts mirror mine, I'll urge you to read his post here. Also, today seems to be a sweat day, with pilates as well as chores (which aren't too bad as long as I'm not told to do so) as well as some exercise. And after all that, it's only 4.30 pm. Which brings me to the current moment where I'm sat wondering what to do next, slash why I'm trying to fill my time with stuff to do! There's nothing on tv, either..I think I'll take a shower and figure it out from there.

The Art of Trolling + Synchronization

2011-08-07T01:53:00.000+08:00

So, it seems that trolling happens to everyone in various forms everyday. Personally, I have my handful everyday. Of course, 'trolling' is loosely defined, but I have come to understand it as basically being made to look like a bit of a douche by basically anything (for example, opening a taxi door only to whack yourself in the face, getting a bruise - that is a self-inflicted troll.) However, a super epic troll that happened recently was the day Jun and I went to KLCC for Pikom's 'PC Fair.' First, we get trolled in traffic for 1 1/2 hours, we get to the 'PC Fair', only to be extremely curious and disappointed as to the a) lack of stalls, b) lack of people, c)size of the event; we thought it had finally failed as an event, since it's normally packed where you're the salmons, wriggling against each other for some breathing space. Maybe it was the failing economy, hence the lack of stalls and consumers. But suddenly, the moment JunHime stopped to look around, he realized that there was an epic troll that had been following us the moment we stepped into the Hall - it was Pikom, alright, but instead, it was the 'Digital Expo 2011,' which, until this point, i HAD noticed, but didn't think much of it as I thought subconsciously that the words 'PC Fair' were lurking somewhere. Even the mascot was different (it was purple, Ah Fi.) But no. In conclusion, troll is big troll. In Jun's defense, the advert he had seen DID say the words 'PC Fair', so he was lied to. However, to comfort ourselves, we realized that we probably weren't the only ones who were trolled, and that there would be others who wouldn't even realize that they were trolled. (Bonus: for those who give me the right amount of times I've said troll in this post, you get a choco the next time you come to my house.) So, off to Kinokuniya we went, and then on the train to mine we went. Jun was then trolled by some wires, followed by some OCD on COD and then dinner, then home and home, respectively. It was quite a fun day C:

(my throat is starting to hurt - you guys think it's the fish bone?)

So, aside from ~~some~~ lots of Kingdom Hearts 2, ~~not~~ fun chores, and ~~not enough~~ sleep, the ~~family reunion day~~ Saturday arrived. It was a fun day with lots of ~~camera obsessing~~ photo taking, ~~noob~~ chess playing ~~(2 vs 1 advantage didn't exist at all)~~, epic synchronizing, chocolate ~~stealing~~ eating, COD OCD-ing (again), laptop ~~frustration~~ fixing, seafood ~~stuffing~~ eating, and transporting. Oh, and who could forget the muuwuchu-ing? If When Jun does transfer the photos to me, they'll be up at some point. For now, I'll bask in the glory of some Ella Fitzgerald, reading Lolita, and some fun music time with Jun (in which he throws me random songs from his iTunes.) Despite everything, I really do wish this Summer lasts as long as possible. It's the only thing/place I know for sure.

Photo time

2011-08-02T21:40:00.000+08:00

Because I saw the most epic playground in Changi Airport, and had to resist with every fibre in my being to go on the slide.


It was a lot bigger, trust me. Doesn't it look ridiculously fun?

And so, rummaging through my photos, I thought I'd update everyone with a few photos to show what's been going on with me in the past couple of weeks/months:

The beginning of my final term of 1st year. I packed specifically so Handoh wouldn't get squished.

Some epic clouds + light I could see from my window. Using my phone, I thought it was pretty decent.

I don't remember what I was feeling when I took this picture, but whatever it was, Handoh reflects it perfectly.

First day in NYC. Loving how small I feel between the tall buildings.


I swear some of the buildings defy gravity (and health and safety laws)

Because I was actually there!

The creepy sign that we saw literally all over NYC.

The first of many yellow cabs that i saw!

The beginning of Times Square. It got extremely epic when we got to the centre.

Home. Vs Moco 2nd match, and I felt kinda 'HOMG?'

Whilst with JunHime at Kinokuniya, came across this epic book.

Guitar tabs. No words needed.

Because it has been far too long.

2011-07-29T00:41:00.000+08:00

and because, reading Moco's and JunHime's blogs, it makes me feel like blogging normally, even though our aims differ. Also, maaaaaybe it's an attempt to redeem myself by blogging more 'maturely', because reading my previous posts / blogs, i find myself incredibly annoying hahaha. And it was also an excuse to change the layout and all X)

so, the end of my singapore trip. i don't quite know what to make of it, because although i've undeniably had fun, it has also been an unavoidable challenge for me. to be absolutely honest, i was kind of dreading coming for one whole week, because i knew that i would have to inevitably face alot of memories that i would rather not think about at this point in my life. also, being with my mom, my grandma, and her sister is another challenge in itself with all 3 having perfected the art of nagging/talking loudly etc. yet again in the end, what i least expected happened (as seems to be the case with almost 99% of my life.) i've had alot more fun than expected, not as much shopping as i expected, found more tolerance than i expected, and that i didn't have to use my willpower and strength to forget the memories, as was definitely expected. with the service apartment that we were staying at literally opposite from where i stayed during last year's trip, walking past the same shopping malls and going into the same stores as i did last year, you can see how it would be like waving a bright red flag in your face, screaming 'YOU SEE THIS?'

and yetttttttttttt, my heart remained still. why, i don't know. what it means, i don't know. at its simplest, i had fun, and although the memories lingered clearly in my mind, that's all they did. lingered. now, i look forward to the PC fair with JunHime, where we are aiming to loiter for no apparent reason :) i look forward to Moco finishing her exams, and the next time that we can all play poker/monopoly/spend time together. and then there's that penang trip, that i'm not quite decided upon either hahaha.

i keep forgetting that i have to fly tomorrow. should go to bed hahaha. but anyways, i return for now. :)

2011-05-12T02:30:00.001+08:00

one step at a time, i'll get there eventually. no looking back either.

...............

2010-04-21T01:23:00.001+08:00

.........................................................i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know anymore.

Must....Find....Motivation...............!!

2010-04-14T00:35:00.000+08:00

omg, it only hit me like a few days ago that the exams coming up will be the most life changing of them all, and that i've been completely slacking this holiday..but then again, which holiday have i ever not slacked? '.' i have a very bad feeling however that these exams that are coming are not going to be as simple as all the other ones i've sat for...i think that somehow all i need to keep thinking is 'if you don't get in, you've just wasted the opportunity for a perfect 3 years' ... but i only get motivated if i strive to beat someone? '.' or to prove a point...anyone got any other ideas to help motivate me? like if i see someone i despise getting higher marks when they don't deserve it, i'll feel a burning anger in my body and feel like i want to be better than them = w = is that unhealthy...? OTL

orrrrrrrrrrr i shall look forward to teh summer holidays, and tell myself that if i don't get all the As i need / deserve, i can't see moco etc? OTL a bit extreme but i think it's suitable punishment OTL

guh shoot okay i really need to get a move on and shoveeeeee everything into my head. this year has gone extremely quickly and i can't wait to leave school and move on to the next phase of my life *runs around* i'm scared but i'm also fed up!! ahhhhhh it sucks to be human sometimes = w =

Good Morning world!

2010-03-28T09:49:00.000+08:00

ahhh. long time no touch my blog, long time no see. hello again to unproxied internet where i can download as much as i want. i don't really know why i'm up so early (actually no, yes i do, it's because of the mozzies that attacked me at 5 in the morning and i couldn't go back tos leep) but here i am on the computer as usual. i'm so happy to be home, i've never woken up this early ever feeling this optimistic. like, ever. it's like, the whole cliche of 'the sun is shining, the birds are singing and life is good' thing, except its more like the sun is trying to burn our faces off, the birds aren't singing and my life is just at the start of that roller coaster ride where it's climbing up that hill before the drop, which is technically a metaphor that i am using to to refer to my exams. yeh they're in june, ages away, but it's not actually ages. i hate how all the teachers and stuff have been like 'you know, easter is the time of revision! no time for play, hustle hustle!', and the fact i need straight As to get into my desired uni is soooooooo daunting. it's like, i can't imagine the shame if i didn't get in, it'd be like 'haha in your face your girlfriend is most likely/will be probably/most definitely gonna get in, and then there's you. like, what happened?' *shiver* besides, now that i've been to the actual college (em brief summary of the system at durham, it's like oxford/cambridge = oxbridge, the university as a whole has a 'collegiate system' which basically means there is more than one college in the unis, where you eat sleep have your friends slash your lecturers are, but its like that in durham sans the lecturers being restricted to colleges..that so wasn't a summary) and i really really like it (i'm somehow very protective of it now, boo to all the other smelly colleges!) it's even mooooore so that i just have to get in! life is going to be so different, like, i'm actually going to have to socialise? like, they have parties every night and shit, and i hate parties, but it's like, if you dont go you dont get friends! lol. so i think i'm going to have to go into the black hole of alcohol...OTL i didn't take pictures, but i don't really think pictures can describe where it is or the feeling of actually having been there. the college is 20 mins away from the city centre lol, up a frickin hill, and it's the 2nd furthest out college form the city, so i think i'm going to have to invest in a bike. or a scooter, i really like those!
right. i think my dad's done on the loo, i'm going to go have fun spraying my dogs with water and watch them run away /gg

Tagz - Blog Filler for today!

2009-12-30T01:06:00.000+08:00

Orz..so there's been an update to this blog, everything's soooo nice and optimistic now (with a touch of pink) and seeing as i've caused unnecessary problems for myself, i can't update fully what i've been dying to update until....the problem is solved ORZ so until then - (courtesy of bunz)

2009 meme :D

Beginning of 2009:

Where were you ?
technicalities, technicalities...

Who were you with?:
can't even remember where the heck i was ORZ

Did you kiss anyone on new years?
nope

Did you make any resolutions?:
i made them all for 2008...which was all accomplished in 2009 ORZ

All About You 2009:
Did you change at all this year?
hair. definitely teh hair. and my height. up down up down...down down down down..

Did you dye your hair in 09?
guahaahah.

Did you get your hair cut?
yersh - love it now

Did you change your style?
yesh, it's getting worse..but im' happy with the hair T w T

Were you in school?
yesh

Did you get good grades?
yeh, if i didnt i wouldnt be online doing this ORZ

Did you have a job?
well..long story

Did anyone close to you give birth?
noooooo wtf????? (kakachang's chin)

Did you move at all?
too frequently...Uk to Msia to Uk to Msia....etc

Did you go on any vacations?
came back to malaysia

Did you leave the country at all?
UK - coldddd T_T

Your Love Life 2009:

Did you break up with anyone?
nooooope.

Did you meet anyone special?
welll....kakachang's chin?? o w o

Did you fall in love?
hahah..

Friends and Enemies 2009:

Did you meet any new friends this year?
yesh alot...new intake of fresh meat /gg and Shawn the photographer (if you wanna be my friend T w T)

Did any of your friendships end?
no....i'm still managing to hold on like crazy ORZ

Did you dislike anyone?
ORZ i wonder

Did you make any new enemies?
(refer: answer above)

Did you resolve any fights?
pft. i'm the one who starts them ORZ

Did you grow apart from anyone?
ORZ *emo emo*

Did you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
i always do....but can't change anything, jst hope for the best (HOPE IS MY DESPAIRR~~!!)
---

In 2009 I.
.
[x] broke a promise (ORZ)
[ ] fallen out of love
[x] lied (ORZ - i'm sorry about the pocky~~~)
[ ] went behind your parent's back
[ ] cried over a broken heart
[x] disappointed someone close (double ORZ)
[x] hid a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[x] kissed in the rain
[ ] slept under the stars (dont we all? jst the roof is in the way)
[x] kept your new years resolution (ironically, i've fulfilled half of last year's one...)
[x] forgot your new years resolution
[x] met someone who changed your life
[x] met one of your idols (SHAWN)
[x] changed your outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[x] pretended to be sick
[x] left the country
[x] almost died (remembers : Oxford, Incident 1: Walked into a moving Bicycle. Incident 2: Walked in front of a bus without realizing.)
[x] given up something important to you
[ ] lost something expensive
[x] learned something new about yourself
[x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
[x] made a change in your life
[x] found out who your true friends were
[x] met great people
[x] stayed up til sunrise
[x] cried over the silliest thing
[x] was never home on weekends
[ ] got into a car accident
[ 1/2 ] had friends who were drifting away from you ( I wonder)
[ ] had someone close to you die (do animals count?)
[ ] had a high cell phone bill
[x] spent most of your money on food
[ ] had a fist fight
[ ] went to the beach
[x] saw a celebrity (OMG YES - the guy who wrote 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime - him + his wife ORZ)
[x] gotten sick
[ ] liked more than 5 people at the same time (WTH)
[ ] stayed single for the whole year
[ ] made out in/on a car
[x] kissed in the snow
[ ] celebrated Halloween
[ ] had your heart broken
[ ] had a stalker (there was a stalker outside my hostel who was followin the pretty girls...ORZ)
[ ] mooned someone (BUNZ WTH????LOL you wish Hope mooned you)
[ ] went over the minutes on your cell phone
[x] someone questioned your sexual orientation (yes well that's jst a given)
[x] came out of the closet
[ ] gotten pregnant (KAKACHANG~~) (LIGHTNING????)
[ ] had an abortion
[x] done something you've regretted (i regret things every day)
[ ] painted a picture
[x] wrote a poem
[ ] ran a mile
[x] shopped at Hollister or Bench
[ ] posted a blog on MySpace
[x] listened to music you couldn't stand
[x] went to a sleepover
[x] laughed till you cried
[ ] laughed till you peed in your pants
[x] visited a foreign country
[ ] cut in a line of waiting people
[x] told someone you were busy when you weren't
[ ] partied to celebrate the new year (does movies count?)

---

1. Have you had any relationships this year? How many?
refer: previous number

2.Had your bday yet?
yarhp

3. Kissed two or more people in the same night?
errr welll (WTH BUNZ)

5. Pulled an all nighter?
haha yeh (kakachang failed)

6. Drank Starbucks?
yesh

8. Bought something?
huhuuuu...more like somethingS

9. Met someone special who changed your life?
LIGHTNING~~~

10. Fell in love?
refer: answer above

What are you thinking about
i should be sleeping...+ bunz answers too funny ORZ

Does your ex hate you?
i wonder. not surprised if they do ORZ

How did you feel when you woke up today?
whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. i see double.

Your ex shows up at your door what do you do?
WTH ARE YOU DOING HERE? (not in capitals, but in a very shocked tone)

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
depends if i wanna hide them or not - depends on the people im with - depends on the situation and the topic.

Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart?
ooo interesting. no-one's broken my heart, it's always been the other way round ORZ

If you could change your eye color would you?
BLUE!!!!

Who did you last get into a big argument with?
hahahhaa....

Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend?
hahhahaa....

Do you like to have long hair or short hair?
short. (bunz answer...someone kill me ORZ)

Would you be able to tell someone you love them, even if you didn't feel it?
hmmm interesting. dont know.

How do you currently make your money?
NO MONEY ORZ

Do you want to get married & have children one day?
marriage: yes. children: too difficult / unfair for them (BUNZ...ORZ)

Which of your friends do you argue with the most?
best friend.

Have you kissed anyone in the last 4 hours?
nooooo T w T

How many texts are in your inbox?
which phone ORZ

Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you?
yes.

Who was your last text message from?
...which phone ORZ

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
fake dadda and mumma who i am a descendant of,and my original dadda and mumma

When was the last time you cried really, really hard?
.............................surprisingly, a while back.

Who took your profile picture?
me! it's It.

Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth?
cry over the truth. (though crying is too mafan)

What’s on your bedroom floor right now?
cockroach leftovers from kakachang...ps3....bag, rug...my leg (jst one leg)

Do you trust people too easily?
.MAJOR ORZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life?
yes and no. most times i wish things and people didnt change.

Have you ever liked someone a lot older than you?
well................................................

If you had a baby with the last person you texted, what would the baby' s last name be?
smelly (chowwwwwww.....) BUNZ - speechless ORZ

Last thing you ate?
dinner

How many people are you texting?
none..on msn..

Will you be in bed within twenty minutes?
i'll tell myself that i should be but i won't budge.

What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?
hot water.

Who last said they missed you?
i wonder.

---

sleeeeeeeeeeeeeepy. gonna dream of lightning~~~

whoa, talk about long time.

2009-08-22T22:26:00.003+08:00

hmm, i'm starting to surprise myself. for one, i don't even know why i'm blogging! maybe it's because i decided to change my blog music (which btw, is incredible if you just stop to listen to it). Secondly, i'm surprised that i've started watching chinese tv drama series, and actually it. It's shocking. i really feel like whining for some reason but i'm not going to start. just that this summer holiday has gone by reaaaaaally fast. i've only got one week back before i go back to the world of deadlines and university applications (which means relative amounts of stress and panic), i've only had a short amount of time with family which just really sucks in general. But in another way, it's gone by reaaaaaaally slowly...i've also surprised myself by suddenly being terrible at long-distance relationships. oh god. (whoa, this has ended up turning into a moan anyway!) i also really wanna watch a few films before i go...but malaysia seems to be a bit behind in terms of good films >_>
anyway, essays + stress + the hk tv series calls...there's a really freaky cult group that worships God, and one of them gets a seizure, and they don't even call an ambulance : 'YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IN THE SPIRITUAL POWERS, THEY WILL SAVE US ALL' - and the guy dies. =\
i wonder if that's a sign lol?

what are we doing? (I don't understand.)

2009-04-03T17:13:00.004+08:00

what is going on? what are we fighting for? why are people so different? i feel completely out of it now...i'm just so in the middle, neither belonging anywhere and neither party fully accepts me. all that i hold i've lost grip on - what happened to moral values? are mine really that fucked up? does loyalty and friendship not matter anymore, or have i got my priorities fucked up? maybe because we're all different, and that we change, that we lose sight of one thing to set sights on another; to lose priorities or to swap them round, though everything is full of uncertainty. i don't get it. yeah okay, nobody is the same as me. apparently i'm 1% of the world, i'm the type that stands out, the one that goes against the norm; the fighter, the rebel, the stubborn one. i just hope that you're standing there with me. maybe i've lost sight - all i see is you? nothing matters anymore because nobody gives a shit, except you? you fight for me and you fight me all the time - just makes me stronger. you have my absolute respect. i feel so lost, but i know whilst i'm searching in the blank darkness, i can feel you're searching too...maybe that's why we've found each other? nothing to help us: no God, no magic, no natural phenomenon - just destiny, faith in ourselves, the future. time to let the past go...nobody's perfect. (Jesus, it sounds like a song)

so let's expose the cyclical nature of this cacophony, back to genesis - what are we fighting for? nobody cares about anyone nowadays, though they think they do. nobody can see anything anymore, not even me. everyone is so blinded by pollution, the corruption, swallowed by the masses, nobody stands out, and yet everybody is so full of shit, talking like they care, like they know something ; nobody knows shit. not you, me, the government, the world. everybody is so confused...so human. being human is a weakness in itself, all the emotions that brainwash and devour, rendering us weak and pitiful. it's quite pathetic. the world is so damaged, and yet it's not going to stop there, the degeneration. we'll keep on going until we consume ourselves whole, chewed and grinded down to the very last atom, before spat out and blended into one gigantic mess. that's us. the perfect human race.

what's up with sacrifice? is that really a type of charity? or is it just a fancy word that makes us sound great? i don't understand... i would love to know if there was a point to anything. to be stronger, a 'better' person? to rid the world of all the chaos? i wish we could. but how do we define 'better'? more charity, do more good things? to who? yourself? to others? is it just a natural, subconscious ploy to make oneself feel better? frankly, i don't know either. everybody abuses everything they have in their life, in completely different ways...for one, i abuse myself; i torture my thoughts and repeatly strike myself down: i am worthless, nobody will stand up for me, i have nothing to live for. another, i abuse others; i am complicated, stubborn and infinitely prideful. i understand i am not without flaws. again, i am human, not God, not Superwoman, not Titan. nobody is. But i have you. You with your endless optimism, either gently or forcefully, you drag me out of my Pit of Pessimism regardless. You have all my respect. You have all my attention. You have all my love. No-one understands me but you. I see nothing but you, with your endless encouragement and support, even though you are the same as me, a weak human being with flaws; to me, you have everything - to me, you are everything I wish i was, that I can never be.

[WARNING] - This is not an attack - no missile is going to appear from the clouds and trash any of you; i'm targetting no-one - and if anybody takes this rant personally, well my friend(s), you can fuck off and have a nice day.

As for you Bunz, though i completely doubt you will be reading this, kudos to you, my friend. Though our friendship is still young, I'm sure it will outlast WWIII. We have been through some rocky edges, though nothing serious. I'll miss talking to you, messing around. You have my respect as well, and I'm glad you understand me, and hopefully I can say the same about me respecting you (though maybe not as thorough lol?) You know I (including everyone else) wish you all the best, and don't forget to drop me a line?

what the hell is happening to this world?

2008-10-24T14:00:00.002+08:00

especially this country!?!?
i'm actually too annoyed to blog o_o
has anyone read the Star newspaper today? because if you have, then you might have the smallest inkling about the reason why i'm annoyed.
well, firstly it's the 'subtly-put-in-the-right-hand-corner' article, titled 'Fatwa on Tomboys'.
then there's the article:

KOTA BARU: The National Fatwa Council has ruled that tomboyism, where a girl behaves or dresses in a boyish manner, is forbidden in Islam.

Its chairman Datuk Dr Abdul Shukor Husin said the decision was prompted by recent developments as there had been cases of young women inclined to behave like men and indulging in homosexuality.

Parents must stop their children from indulging in disruptive activities that are against Islamic teachings, he told reporters here yesterday. Bernama

ok, like what the FUCK? does it mean that if you're a tomboy, you're gay? seriously? because it is seriously implied in the article. such a stereotype! just made me realize how homophobic our country is. i'm so not proud of my country, never was. what is there to be proud of, when there is racial injustice, corruption, homophobia, the list goes on and on...

honestly, okay i get the fact it's a religion thing. but still, there isn't anything in the Qur'an that states tomboyish actions by women were forbidden. Surely it's just a case of paranoia now. What happened to the 'free country'? And if there have been such cases, how come it's never been made public? There aren't even any numbers or facts put forward. Where's the evidence?

rant over.

home...is not where i wanna be??

2008-10-20T20:38:00.002+08:00

...how fast does time fly, seriously? back home, once again for 2 rather pointless weeks. and for some seriously bizarre reason, i don't exactly wanna be here, probably a first. what's happening to the world?!?!????!

welllll, i'm only back because the uk visa thing is one of the most annoying things in the world. i'm sure the majority of asians would agree. =__=

not really jet-lagged, just feeling a bit 'wasted'. there's so much to do, but not reaaaallly. there's nothing on tv, but i've missed so much social-wise. will be back again for christmas, mehhhhhhhh. family drama shall unravel.

2 weeks to wasteee. meh meh meh *runs around* i can't even see anyoneeee, damn you stupid exams and difference in the education systemmmm. = x = *stab*

i just realized i sound like feli. damn youuuuuu~~

..nothing else to say.

a repeat of the end.

2008-09-01T00:34:00.004+08:00

whilst watching house, i was fearful of the tinge of guilt that was slowly creeping up if i didn't blog, so here i am. it is 3 days to the end of summer, which is always depressing for a huge number of reasons.

and while i am watching house, i completely forgot the reason i was to blog about. the holiday has been pleasant, therefore no need for rants and emo-ness. that'll come after school starts.

i guess it's another new year, new experiences. there is the possibility things will get better, but being the pessimist of the group, i'm never sure. i do know that i really hope something exciting happens fast, asap before i implode.

meanwhile, i am truly stocked up with lots of movies, tv series' and games. at least i won't be severely bored to death, for real.

6 weeks commencing september 4th, 2008.

did i mention i'm seriously seriously screwed when piano lessons start?

eye candy:
did anybody know she's left-handed??? HOT.

why so serious?

2008-07-21T00:09:00.003+08:00

okay. dark knight has to be the film of the year. I kid you not. The Joker has to be the coolest villain of the year. he is amazing.

Heath Ledger, may you RIP.

the guy is an amazing actor. ( on a side note, i didn't even recognize Gary Oldman as Commisioner Gordon, but he was soooo different as a character that i didn't know until i saw a video on youtube. Ohmygod.) Heath Ledger makes The Dark Knight all the better. He has the coolest laugh of the year, i am not exaggerating. I could go on for ages about this film, but it is a must watch.

So. On about the weekend.

Saturday was a good day. it was a high day. The freakiest things happened.

Like, have you ever not talked to someone for like 5 years and suddenly things happen so fast that the next thing you know, they are at your concert, watching you silently at the back of the audience, and they surprise you by going 'Hi, remember me?' and your only reaction is to stare at how tall they've grown and all the 5 years of maturity you've missed, and all you can do is stare and say '...Sang Haans??' Lol. he only came because best friend from standard 1 - 6 told him to come. it was the most random but funniest thing ever. So it was like the little trio from primary school again, Haans Sab and me. did i forget to mention i had a concert this saturday?

Well loads of people came, it was such a chaotic disaster! I am not born to be a party host. I suck, at multi-hosting. But everyone got on alright (hee, saab you're a lightweight!!) n there was some serious cam-whoring and photo taking (i was too lazy and hyper to take photos) and so i'm gonna have to beg people to gimme their stash. The actual group came + extensions and it was awesome, 'n everyone came to my house to partay =)
Lots of catching up was done, and the evening was indescribable and i really enjoyed it. Saab, i do love your house. XD

Malcolm (cousin) stayed over, so we played fake custom guitar hero songs. (Thanks Dits for the games!)

OKay. now on to sunday, which was not so great. (emo-ness coming, be forewarned.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
okay. so. this was such an unlucky day for me. Went to watch Dark Knight with Feli, Jac, Win Soon, Malcolm + My mother. lol. well, she did queue up at 9 15 am for the tickets since every goddamn cinema was fully booked for this film, so i mean, yeh okay. Jac wrote 'bout Dark Knight too so check it out. Ate at McDs which led to unluckiness #1 = Lost one of my rings. It was the nice, titanium one that i got in Greece. So i was like. crap. I remembered i didnt have it just as the film started.

So.....went back after the film, and obviously it wasn't there. so. i bet you one of those idiots decided to keep it to themselves. So, after the demented show that was Joker, i was feeling very emo. And i was rather on edge. To prove my point (and to shut my mother up from her nagging) i punched myself in the jaw (didnt hurt) for show since she said 'hit yourself' and punched those metal things that are at the bottom of the escalators, n made a dent, and everyone went 'whoa.' gloomy back to the car, dropped jac + feli off. then got home. Then unluckiness #2 kicked in = 'lost' my mother's ipod headphones. Damnit.
got into a fit with myself, i mean yeh i'm an ass hole who cant take care of her own shit, but i do try most of the time so why the fuck does shit have to rain on this day? it was suppose to be good. So my mother was then yelling and blabla and i was like will you shut the fuck up? and i rang jaclyn and asked her to check the road outside her house, n sure enough the headphones were there. so that wasn't too bad. So this was after i broke the glass.

Thats right. Right before some genius gave me the idea of calling Jac, with my head about to explode and my mum yelling at me saying it's my fault that i'm so careless, out of fustration, i kicked the glass door. hard. like, 80% power. and. i didn't realize i was that strong, because....

lawl.look at the extra cracks that came from that one kick, hahahah. i was so shocked that i kicked it in, and my mother was so shocked she actually hit me, and said 'FUCK YOU WHY CANT YOU GO SCREAM AT THE DOG, AT LEAST THE DOG CANT UNDERSTAND YOU' and i just....laughed. it was too funny. i had this image of the dog lookin seriously confused at me while im cursing all the way to hell and back. lols.

Btw Jac, if you read this lmao sorry if you got seriously confused about the shouting. because i was shoutin at my mother/shoutin for random frustration / crying / laughing + hyperventilating so... yehp you get the picture.

now my foot is bruised. might i just add i wasn't wearing shoes? XD

so yehp.had to explain to my dad. didn't have to say much but he was grumpy cuz he's gonna have to pay for it anyway but....yeh. he thinks im grumpy, but hello what happened to you today?

.....Why So Serious? (had to add that in somewhere..)

Went to dinner with some ex-neighbours and Win Soon + Malcolm + parents.. and it wasn't so bad. they were so stunned it was quite funny. At least it made me feel better that i'm not the only one who vents. This is like....the 1st time i vented my anger on something, and actually unleashed it. Because i've been holdin' all the shit in, i wanna let it out when i get home....and it turned out turning it into energy wasn't enough. Bah. No one gets me. or so i have yet to meet someone who will actually pull me out of this misery. Drag me out if you have to. Thanks to like Feli + Haans + you know who you are for cheerin' me up over the course of the day.

Gawd. the weekend's over. Damn. more to look forward to i guess....2 weeks down, about 7 to go....

Me loves Marilyn Manson. HE is my God.
Well... him & Joker.

HIT ME.

Wanted...lotsa stuff.lol.

2008-07-16T19:51:00.007+08:00

goodness. wt a way to start a blog, seriously. Was gonna put Jennifer Beals ages ago in one of those blogs-that-never-got-finished, but since i just watched Wanted, and remembered the excruciatingly short but hot ass-shot of Angelina in the film(trust me, thanks to those Malaysian bastards it got censored...but we have internet!) I thought i should just worship one of the eternal crushes of my infinitely gay life. ( I swear i should make a Top 5/10 list. I'm not kiddin'.)

no, seriously. look at those eyes. gah. too bad she 'de-gayified' herself. i'm sure Brad is so manly that he's a girl & that's what turned you back straight, Angie. We miss you on our team!! > < (im sure most people aren't gonna understand but screw you =P )i sooo do not give a shit about whoever says those lips are huge. they make her an amazing kisser, i'm sure. lols.

anyway. Wanted. was pretty good. besides the fact that Malaysia really does suck and censor lots of things. I mean, they censor the swearing too...? and the 'graphicness'...so if it's 18-SX, you gonna censor the sex too? I'm sure that's good, tryin' to keep the citizens of this country 'pure'. Pah. look around you, stupid government. I'm sure in the next 50 years, kids are gonna grow up watching porn at the age of 8.
okay i exaggerate. maybe 10.

is this the 2nd time i've mentioned porn on my blog?? daym. i'll blame the government this time.

but anyway. curving bullets is the new sexy on my list. It's hot watching Angelina swing a gun like that, and sashay away. No wonder they named her character Fox. And personally i'm glad she didn't do more than kiss James McAvoy to shut his ex up. Well shall spoil no more, but it's a shame it's 18-SG. though they censored the fun out of the film.

also, how fun is it to just walk into a cinema pretending to be 18? i mean, not the first time i've done it but it's funny. especially when the guy looks at you in wt you think is a disapproving and slightly suspicious look, but he lets you in anyway because you're either with your friends or your mother. lol. and it's funny leaving the cinema because that's when the lights come back on, and you get to take a look around to see how many other minors are there with you. You are not alone. lols.

right. now. i have the weekend to reallly look forward to, talkin to a seriously old school mate (we go back to primary school!) and i have french homework for tomorrow. fuck.

uhmm, hello.

2008-07-04T03:52:00.008+08:00

this could be such a computer glitch. yeh, thats it. maybe the internet suddenly had a life of its own and decided to not deprive me any further of my rightful 0.00001% extra of 'fun'. maybe the computer developed a conscience and realized that, i (it's awesome owner) am on the verge of dying. maybe, the computer tech staff decided to stop being assholes and for once, unblock something that does not compromise of porn, drugs, smoking and huge amounts of fandom.

okay, i take back the last one.

point is, i'm still at school (god, i know!) though it is technically, the '2nd last day' of school. though it really isn't school because i've skived off whole days and done fuck all, really. they say we have 'normal' lessons when really, it's just film watching even though there is this utterly absurd rule of the teachers not being allowed to show video to the students. uhh, right. so all i have to do is skive off triple science tomorrow and i should (should) be fine.

subconsciously, decided to be a complete rebel this year. it was such a stupid idea not to go home a week early. so to show my disdain i just skived off everything and broke as many rules as i can. house BBQ today....people were barn-dancing outside. didn't feel like mingling, not surprisingly. just sat in front of the computer playing GTA;SA. hoho.

oh yes, went to Greece last week; many many photos were taken. it was soooo nice to get out of Haversham, away from Wells, out of England somewhere completely foreign where i felt free. (Shout out to Anna & family: thanks soo much for the opportunity to go somewhere so lush even if the idea was sooo last minute. it's such a miracle that it happened.)

loooookie. isn't he pretty? (hell, Wes costed alot.) (yes yes, i do name my stuff =___=) they are amazingly good quality, and they go soo well with my Ipod. They are a match made in technological heaven =)

loooook. preeeeetttyyyy. will post some more photos when i get home on Sunday, as the internet is much much quicker there (and not proxy-ed. guh.)

Anyway, very personal stuff ahead, with major ginormous rants. Be forewarned. Full of depressing and annoying rants and talks about pain n depression and lots of self pity. and suicide.

this year has seriously been one hell of a year. So much stress, frustration, procrastination and absolute depression (who ever made all the words end in -ion, is seriously a poetical retard/genius.) Fuh. i'm sooo glad it's over. Not looking forward to Sixth form, though i do want to wear suits. i'm particularly glad i don't have to wear tights anymore, or stupid skirts, and sixth form get all sorts of priviledges which i'm definitely not complaining about =) not looking forward to all the stupid shit combinations that Mrs O is gonna make up. Jesus, i hate that woman. She has serious personality issues. So fake & full of shit. Ms. Weaver + Matron are leaving; pretty sad about Matron no matter how patronising + pushy she is, she's still really nice and sweet. Ms. Weaver's been nice this week too, probably because it's the last week she'll ever have to put up with all the eccentricities and snarkiness (from my roommate of 2 years, hopefully not 3) new people, new experiences, new teachers, new new new. Me like new. But for me, new means old disappearing. The old being the bad old. Like certain 'friends'. God, just go already.

I doubt some of my friends will ever read this (which i think is good; no random-er analysing everything i say) so i'm gonna post up one of the things that i thought really amused me this past week, no matter how horrible it is that i derived pleasure from other peoples' misery. I mean, hey, I'm always the one miserable & people don't give a shit. Might as well pay back the favour. *cough total sadism + evilness seeping through a huge crack here* Hannah + Eleanor, the infamous couple in Haversham (mind, for those who do not understand my sarcasm or any sarcasm in general, they aren't really a couple. I just tease the hell out of them *so does everyone else* because they're always inseperable. Call me jealous, ain't anymore) had a huge row. well, in my opinion it was like one of those things where they have a huge beginning and the ending is measly and it fizzled out. So basically Hannah was being a bitch about Eleanor in Rachel's leaving book and Eleanor, being the nosy git she is, opened the book completely of her own accord without any permission whatsoever. Personally, i think it was stupid, and she was totally asking for it. I mean, the book was on the table, not open, though those sort of personal things are inviting to curious people. She didn't even ask Rachel's permission, and just looked in. Jesus, she so got what she deserved.

To be fair howeverrrr, the stuff Hannah said was down right mean. (though i would be much harsher). It's kinda like the ultimate betrayal though; Eleanor loves Hannah (platonic or not..? I think not, though it's just me) and Hannah seemingly and says often she loves Eleanor too (platonic, only because Hannah is incapable of loving anybody really. Except Newman which she denies so much but she does like him very much which gives me more incentive to tease the crap out of her, since i hate the dude) & basically i can totally relate to Eleanor, though i'd just punch them. Admittedly, i think they have a good friendship, though Eleanor seriously suffocates Hannah (metaphorically, Feli, not literally.) I don' t know why the bug me so much. My mum thinks i'm jealous, my other friends think i'm jealous, so i guess i was. But it's so different now;

It's so strange how Hannah and iwere such good mates. it's incredible how we've moved from best mates to best subtle/unsubtle enemies. I kid you not. I've never really hated anyone the way i hate Hannah. I mean, ok i went through the same stage with Ling, though i really hated her and cried alot over her, we made up and i completely moved on. This is completely different with Hannah. I guess it's because Ling can relate to me; and when even though she doesn't have to say she understands me, I know that she really really does. I don't have to fight myself all the time to be who i am, because she accepts me for wt i am. She doesn't judge me. Hannah on the other hand, gives off the impression that she does the same as Ling. Yeh, she's nice and she tries to be nice to everyone at her own expense, and that she has impressive analytical skills, but she doesn't get me. Late night chats with Grace has made me realize that she really doesn't know me at all. I mean, we were very close, and i thought she completely knew me, n she did too....but because of her, i've changed yet again. Like Shing's blog title says: Nothing in life is permanent. I guess friendships don't exactly last a lifetime (god, i'm pessimistic).

Random: at this very moment, all 3 forementioned people are having gossipy chats in really odd places such as the utility room ( i got put off going to the loo there) and in the middle of a stair corridor. Like, err hello, subtlety??

i've ranted this over and over and over in my head that when i've actually written it down, it feels so empty. full of whimsical bullcrap that is 3 months old. i've ranted it with grace, losing much precious sleep before exams though it's made me realize so many things, and yet when i propose to talk to hannah about it, she says she doesn't see a point in talking to me about our (or my) problems. because she says everything is gonna go back to the way it was in the first place. damn, and she says i'm pessimistic. jesus, fly a kite.

i'm so sick of life. i'm such an emo, and it's not even just a jokey title anymore. i'm sick of humans and life and the world, sick of all those emotions that just deter people from all the potential they have. i'm sick of having to sound like i'm weak. i'm sick of being dependent, even though i'm less dependant. all these things just nag me at the back of my head in every day situations. I don't miss anyone. i don't want anyone to miss me. it feels like i want to be invisible and be alone, yet that isn't what i really want. i'm not sure i understand myself fully yet. if i had a superhero power, it would be to be invisible. that way i can just disappear and choose to go to places. i feel invisible anyway. ironically.

this sounds like such a plea for help; maybe it is, but i don't know. i'm just waiting for someone to really come and save me. (well, we all are in different ways) seems like i can't even find a proper friend to be there for me, especially if one is 'best' friends with everyone and acts like a complete fucking idiot half the time, and one is too fuckin' preoccupied with her boyfriend, the fucking ditcher. God, i feel like exploding the more i write. i wasn't even in this bad a mood at the beginning. whenever i feel like this, i just want to hurt myself or someone. makes me feel more calm....damn, i'm insane.

too much self pity in one blog, hahahha. i doubt any of my friends will read this, and i hope they don't, but instinctively i want them to. want them to know wt i really think. but i know even if they know, they aren't gonna do a fucking thing about it, that i know.

i was about to yell obscenities but i guess i lost the willpower since my roomie came in after her little chat with Hannah. Fuhhhhh~~~~~~~~ it's 12 so i guess i should go. School tomorrow, though i can't skive the first half of the day i guess...

There, Feli. I blogged. Happy how depressed it made me?

1 day.

To sate Feli's stupid nagging...

2008-06-26T04:53:00.002+08:00

...and to say i'm still alive, I'm alive. this is a post.

26th june, 10 days + til i go home. Good riddance.

simple equation:- tennis + partay = super tired.

2008-04-05T23:19:00.002+08:00

so like, i had tennis this morning at 11 and i got to try out my new Prince Ozone 7 racquet (thanks to my cousin who got it for me.) and it kicks ass. well i kick ass with it. increase power and control. so yay. happy happy.

we did get into hell of alot of trouble, however. the racquet was super expensive and my dad found out how much it was, and basically was (and i quote) : super furious at me, but somehow he came home pretty okay and didn't even mention a word about the racquet. so. hmm. so it kinda has to be my baby no.3? lol.

got home at about 3 and basically did some revision (whoa.) and 'msn-ed', and then fell asleep until 6. then ling came over, and was very fascinated by 'the ball'. 'the ball' is a pretty big ball that has a maze inside, with a little ball rolling around. it's like those mazes you get on those cheap rulers like 10 years ago, but yeh. same concept. super fun and a great tester of patience. hohoho.

got to jac's house, failed attempt at the plan to 'punish' feli, and brought my PS2 for old times' sake. everytime i go to jac's house, or hang out with them for that matter, i always lose my voice. i mean, what the heck? to be frank, i do scream alot. (feli, how can you say i'm emo o_o) i think it's too funny when everyone's together. seriously.

oh, and i learnt that chickens have steroids in. and other animals including vegetables (which i'm sure, are not animals) and everything we eat has growth things stuck into them and they're gonna end up killing us humans. woohoo. at least i can enjoy before i die young, hahahah. (hmm, feli maybe i can see why you say i'm emo o_o)

the cake was good. the food was good. hilarious conversations, and feli being bullied into marshmallow hunting for ling-sama. (it was highly amusing). everyone laughed at feli's blurness + stupidity and how she can' t pick up on sarcastic-ness. lol.

thrashed everyone at guitar hero 2 and got bored playing fatal frame 2. won jac on PES 1-0. lol.

it was immensely full to the brim with nostalgia; everything felt easy-going and simple. no need to worry about people judging what you say, what you do, what you wear (well the parents did but who cares), just having good friends around and having a brilliant, worry-free time. why the heck can't it be the same in England? why does everyone have to overprocess things? i wonder if it's like a culture difference, or a difference in brain size. seriously. can't be who you wanna be without being fucking judged. hey i'm not saying i don't overprocess, but i'm gay, and lesbians process every thing. unless everyone seems to be dykes all of a sudden. *rolls eyes*

i have a week left before i go back to the shit-hole, the 'free' prison, the super expensive school and work and studies and gah, exams. (is emo-ing now.okay, feli i'm emo.) it's really hard not to be emo and complain when you're unhappy. i just wanna leave, or i want everyone to leave. and best be if i don't see anyone ever again.

damn. wishful thinking.

*muffled choking* DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE gah.

it's official. i'm emo. D=<

will try to stalk feli into giving those pictures + videos. then i'll post something nice.

patience is sort of a virtue.

2008-04-02T16:29:00.002+08:00

--------------
...um,yeah. happy belated april fool's day. damn, i'm always late for everything.
anyway, i'm back home once again. (i'm late updating this blog too.) i'm into my second week of holidays already, right smack in the middle. and i reaaaally hate school at the moment. (i mean, yeh who doesn't? well, okay i can think of a few.)
i just really wanna rant n scream n let everything out here. some people won't even know what i'm talking about lol.

i should be studying, seriously, but then i kinda thought nahh it's my holiday i'm gonna just fuck around and enjoy it while it lasts. i mean, hell i'm not enjoying myself in england so, home just got so much sweeter. and i don't give a crap 'bout the other people who just love to study to get straight 100 percents. okay, i give a crap but not enough to actually 'catch up'.

don't misunderstand, i want good grades. i really do. i just don't want to work that hard for them. lol.

the player on the right just takes time to load. the music is good, so. just wait for it.

i'm looking forward to saturday. Jac's bday = spending time with my friends who are too cool to see me when i come home. lol, i kid. they have spm too. so it's quite understandable.

em. i'm tired. will continue this tomorrow? o_o i guess.

pineapple~

2008-02-15T21:29:00.002+08:00

Happy belated CNY and Valentines Day...?

been home a week. going back to uk tomorrow.

lots of angpau, yeyy.

HAIRCUT. O____O pinepappleeee~~~

hibari hibari hibari~

kami korosu.

i have not done any work. which is so bad. so so so bad.

will be back in 4 weeks and 3 days...?

updated music. (on left) can't blog while i'm in the uk.

The L Word season 5 is brilliant. I have offcially developed a crush on Tina. since when the heck did she get so cute?

*sings the Naminori High school song*

Happy New Year, All. Oh, + resos.

2008-01-01T16:06:00.000+08:00

well. happy new year, people. may you have lots of fun and luck and love =) i know i hope to have some this year.

usa has been fun so far. i have amused myself sorely, made some awesome new friends, ate lots and put on alot of weight only to lose 6 pounds in 10 hours. that to me, people is very depressing.

so, for today's new year, went shopping and got gloves. very cool gloves. i got some presents for people, and then went off to an asian dinner party with the oldies. it was alright, nice house and everything. had lots of asian spicy food, then my cousins and i skedaddled off back home for a quick rest. like, 20 minutes?

and then i had a choice of party to go to. one was swimming, one was playing rock band and setting off fireworks. guess which i chose.

it was a hard choice.. i wanted to meet some new people, but it just means i'll be less at home. i'm not really a party person. and i cannot swim.
so i ended up going to the rock band party. played rock band. it was cool. i sang alot. much higher than i thought i could sing which was awesome. and then my cousin (male) and his friends harassed me to perform on their old piano. i obviously refused but i gave in because everyone was so happy. wanted to please =\

so then everyone loved me after that, hahahaha. i bonded with this lady who knew rachmaninoff and loved my piece. i guess it was cool. and then....fireworks. =)

so then my cousin's friend's dads started doin the fireworks. they threw them at passing cars, and some actually hit them. =) very amusing. being asian, i was paranoid as fuck about fireworks...you know, your parents are all like 'some kid blew up their arm last year. don't do fireworks'.

pffttt. i love being rebellious.

we also set someone's lawn on fire. like, literally.
and their drain.
because they had gayer fireworks than us =)

and we almost blew up an inflated polar bear. they used this pvc pipe as a replacement bazooka, and my cousin's friend called michael held it. he was the soldier, gahhahaha. god bless.

and as we left to go to his other friend joseph's house to get picked up by our parents who were gambling all night, some lady yelled at us and said she'd call the cops if she caught is doing what we were doing again...like, walking down the street minding our own business? lady mind yours. such a bitch.

and now, i guess i can't really avoid it any longer.. new year's resos. i had a list, but lost it. have to make up some new ones..

okay, the list commences:

1. Enjoy the year.
2. Do well in the exams...aiming all A*s, but that is impossible.
3. Beat Hannah at at least one subject. Hopefully history or R.S.
4. Be less sensitive, and more optimistic.
5. This would be my priority, but i thought i shouldn't lest i get killed. Get a girl.
6. Be more honest with myself.
7. Follow my instincts more and my heart. Believe that i'm not always wrong.
8. Be nice to my parents (this is one i find so hard to keep)
9. Try not to get involved with my friends' affairs...remain neutral.
10. Hannah i know you wanted me to put this so i will. Don't argue so much. (I'll just merely put forward my point of view...innocent little harmless ones..)
11. Get more sleep. Jesus.
12. Not get so distracted.
13. Not be so extreme, and be a bit more calm.
14. Put on some more weight. Gain a few muscles maybe.
15. Make some more friends, and don't dread what the future has in store for me.
16. Treasure everything I have around me.
17. Get an xbox 360 or a ps3. this is where i get materialistic =)
18. Enjoy my life.
19. Get laid.
20. Hell, be a fucking rebel and probably break all these resolutions =)

Except the ones that have fun included, hahahaha.

Jokes aside, I hope i keep to all this. Hell of a long list. Well, longer than some peoples' lists. I guess i put more thought and effort in =\

Have A Great New Year, All.
and it is probably 2 am and i'm never gonna get up tomorrow.

Steal a kiss, then steal my heart.

No Country For Old Men.

2007-12-24T13:23:00.000+08:00

okay. i got the dates mixed up, and thought that it was the 25th tomorrow.

as everyone else except me might know, it's the 24th.

hard to keep track when you're talking to people waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over on the other side of the world. =\

anyway. two discoveries.

1. it's not christmas tomorrow.
2. i love american football. it is very interesting.

better than rugby anyway =__= but it is such a slow game...

had an indian dinner today. it was very nice, save the fact that it was very spicy.

after that, went to watch a movie with my cousins.

no, it was not dangerous and no i didn't get mugged by really shady looking people because it's america.
went to watch No Country For Old Men.
it was good.

shame i watched it yesterday online =\

it contains alot of violence.

and one of the best, scariest, creepiest bad guys i have seen this entire year.

minus johnny depp in Ballad of Sweeney Todd which i have not seen, though i know i want to dearly.
then again, johnny is meant to be the good guy gone bad but he s still the hero to us all.

anyway, back to scary creepass guy who walks around for half the film carrying an air tank which blows people's brains out.
and it doesn't blow them out nicely (hahaha what a pun)

observe scary creepy guy:
gah. i promise you, if you watch the movie, it's not only his hair that creeps me out.

ahem. movie i really wanna watch with a super cool fucking creepy badass in is

The Dark Knight.

i'm not a batman fan, but hey. scary creepy city with scary creepy bad guys like The Joker:
now there's a badass who'll really scare the life out of you.
the trailer's good too.
what are ya gonna do, batman?
crap. these are awesome still promos for the film.
wait... i don't know if the joker at the top and this joker are the same one. but they're both due for summer 2008, so.... there we go.

gotta wait and see.

i think i have a think for the demented.

=\

Shaded lights and faded stars..

2007-12-21T09:55:00.000+08:00

felt like blogging. note to people visiting, listen to the music on the right-side of the page. the music i listen to portrays my feelings more than scrambled words in a sentence that makes no sense.

though the scramble words in a sentence that makes no sense is usually a poem.

well, someone once said 'poetry is the best words in the best order'. so.

....it's thursday. almost a week since i arrived in the US of A. went to Rice University today。it was pretty awesome. Big campus, lots and lots of trees.

I like lots and lots of trees.

my male cousin is in the other room playing Call of Duty 4 on his Xbox 360, and is distracting my mind with his frantic yelling of 'They got me pinned down here!! Steven, help me!'

....okaaaay.

17 days until season 5 comes out, 10 days until they stream the first episode on the internet. i cannot possibly wait.

i don't really miss home. i don't really know what's going on at the moment. decision are filling up every corner in my minuscule brain and i don't know what i want. That is the problem.

Sometimes i feel like a social reject =__=||

the weather is like summer. very summery and sunny inclusive of hot wind. i like it, but i want wintery weather during....winter.

global warming screws up the planet, yo.

i need to go shopping.

not looking forward to school, obviously. to those who know me really well, you guys know how i never ever wanna go back to school. a break from all the stupid chaotic drama going on around. I just wanna be a nerd and study lots and get good grades. Wanna show those suckers i'm not an idiot.

Wanna get a girlfriend =__=

Right. I need to sort out my new year resolutions.

America-Razorlight

2007-12-17T07:28:00.000+08:00

wooooo. ye mate. am in america for 3 weeks. ( - 2 days)

it is 'da bomb'. fun and very summery only it is a bit colder.

my cousins are awesome, and they brought me to see their friends yesterday. they're cool.

haven't blogged in a while, because my school is fuckass gay and blocks blogspot.

just because they want to.

and my msn still doesnt work so sorry people.

people being a certain someone who is just in love with me. (you know who you are)

damn the fact i can't go to the comic fiesta, but i'm not really complaining. because i have so many things i can buy after christmas (sales, remember) so i have to contain my excitement.

other than that, not much going on in my life.

same old, same old.

...何？

2007-10-30T00:34:00.000+08:00

[edit - my music player is at the bottom. be nice and please let the music load first.oh, and you gotta press the play button.]

fufufu. asian characters work. i am impressed.

whoaaaaa, music taken from the Nana anime is depressing lol.

speaking of music, i'm still figuring out how to put some up on this blog...

and hahahahah yes i am blogging just because everyone else has.

well, everyone being feli.

and also, i noticed i write a sentence one line each.

damn i didnt know how to phrase that properly.

msia makes my english suck cock.

by the way i'm not doing this stupid one sentence thing on purpose.

yawn.

and it interests me to see whether anyone will comment, as it is usually quite a useless way of wasting words.

gaaaaaaaah. nothing to blog.

except my mum returned her ipod nano

and instead got an ipod video = =

and see there ladies and gentlemen,

i have used a caesura

twice.

actually, three times.

or was it an enjambment?

(and to those dear people who have no idea what i m talkin about aka FELI, enjambment and caesura are two techniques used in poetry. Suckas.)

'thursdays, ain't what they all says..'

2007-10-26T00:56:00.000+08:00

yawn. tired. even though i slept for like 12 hours or more... woke up at 2 pm >_>

cuz i'm awesome. >_>

*rejecteddd*

anywho. feli came today. she played fatal frame 2 and it was pretty amusing to watch as she was whining the entire time.

On a side note to make things clear, that was her own choice of game. i did not use any sort of force whatsoever.

then we went to sushi groove in 1u. and that was pretty awesome. i was stuffed.

then, mum went to get an ipod nano (new one) cuz she's cool (lol) and feli and i stood by the counter playing speed (card game).

and naturally, the genius won hehe. (well im not that good but yeh booo.)

and now im sat watching mtv and [v] with che'nelle singing how she fell in love with the d.j

and its bad because i'm starting to mildly enjoy it.

just mildly!!!

though points to her for being half malaysian = )

oh dear, mum has come in. am in 'family' room upstairs. watching tv. on my old laptop.

and about that shitty usa visa thing.

am harassing my dad to make my cousins dad let my cousin reapply for the third time. i really want him to get it. usa will be so shite without him to come. (awwwww ping's gettin sentimental).

>_> yawn. its close to 1 am. and apparently my mum came in to tell me that.

i'm presuming it was a 'trying to be subtle' hint to go to bed. = =

hahahaha. the idiot lookin at the camera is feli, the dog huhu. check her out at raefeli.blogspot.com

ahhahha, i'm so sure i meant to say check her blog out. hehehe. *gets shot*

a waste of a day.

2007-10-23T23:16:00.000+08:00

hmmmm, a start. i have been back for three days and i am tired. today, has been the shittiest day so far.

went to get the u.s visa done with my cousin, and to cut a long story short, i got through and he didn't. and now everyone is reluctant to let him reapply due to various reasons.

and it's just so pissy. wait, maybe i didnt stress that enough.

it's just so PISSY.

that felt better. it's too bad i cant triple underline it. boo.

and to make things worse, the ever so random jet lag settled in, giving me no sleep the night before and too much sleep in the afternoon.

result, a blog.

tomorrow, no lie-in, instead going to be travelling around to various places.

Will not be one happy panda.

Thursday better make up for it.

New...?

2007-10-22T19:42:00.003+08:00

hmmm. i have a feeling this blog space is going to be defunct too.

not much to say...im new, im home for the holidays (2 weeks), and that im pretty bored.

lol.

anyway, will probably comment much later on that.

much much later.